What does one do? Every day is numb or a blur. No need or motivation to tell the same stories nor discuss the same stressors. Crying, praying, screaming, running away, running to, listening, working out, purging, sitting still, drugs, alcohol, sex, meditation, employment, therapy, confiding in folks, patience, reading…….NONE OF IT HAS WORKED!
What does one do?
Anger and resentment are strong feelings I experience daily. They are towards God, HER, life, and myself. Hope and belief in everything is significantly low. Not one stand, push, or press left in me.
What does one do?
The one I’m most grateful to has continued to allow things to happen that has sustained my brokenness and deepened the scabs. The love isn’t lost, the gratitude is strong…….but my trauma and pain, will not be overlooked or superseded. It’s all for what? A test I no longer care about failing…preparation for something I don’t care enough for…
There are 3 things that I’ve HATED during my extended HELL…….
1. Being told how strong I am. That doesn’t make me feel the slightest bit better and I don’t need that reminder.
2. Bringing up the story of Job. Testing me like Job will have a totally different ending. There’s nothing and no one I care enough for, that’ll motivate me to push through Job’s level of hell and despair….let alone my own. All of my goals and relationships could go straight to the trash.
3. “He won’t put more on you than you can bare”. I’ve never liked or believed that saying. I wholeheartedly love and believe in God…but that saying? Heck No! If or when my faith is restored or elevated to a deeper level than before; I don’t feel that me believing that saying validates my faith and relationship with God. That’s been my opinion since I was a teen and I cannot fathom it ever changing.
So, what does one do?
Lost…emotionally, mentally, spiritually bruised, and exhausted like crazy! Very stagnant in getting to bond with the new me and new normal. The zone of not caring about anything is deep, huge, and solidified. Solidified and sustained until there’s a change. I have nothing else to give to myself consistently, let alone to anyone or anything else. When positive spirits and moods are present, I embrace them and don’t get my hopes up. Pattern and recent history has shown me it won’t last long…not for me. So I do the things I have to do – work…sleep…everything else – just let the chips fall where they may. If I feel like pressing and pushing I will. I’m not doing it just ‘cause I have to or ‘cause it’s expected. That period of doing that no matter what – is over. I did it for so long and where did it get me? Utilized every option I could possibly think of, recommended about, ready about, prayed about…yet left with worsened wounds, flared up disease, absent soul, seesaw of emotions, rollercoaster mind, and unrepaired heart!
So, what does one do?
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